her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
