is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
