meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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