my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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