I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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