so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize