I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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