before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just had sex on a roof
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