I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
