you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
