i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
