I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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