girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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