I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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