I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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