He disabled his match.com account in front of me
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
