Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
