nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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