Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
