I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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