You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
