Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
