dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
