My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
