I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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