I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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