sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
