can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
