Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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