ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
