Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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