im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
