the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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