your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
