I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
