when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
