why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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