I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
