i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
