How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
