My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
