i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
