Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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