The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
