I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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