I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
