Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
