we have officially lost it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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