yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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