mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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