Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
