was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
