I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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