So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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